Lost

Once again sleeps escapes me, my mind reeling for peace.
I feel like I am suffocating, drowning in the black, murky, oozing stench called life.
I grasp for a rock, cleft, hand or even Spirit, but I find nothing, except slick oil that burns.
My nostrils are filled with the memories of Falls of the past, when I felt safe and secure.
Suddenly, the smell is repulsive and I gag desperate for air. One more time, the evil fills me and I scream except nothing comes out.
I have been screaming for weeks and no one hears me. I am the invisible screamer. No one sees.
My heart is slowing, am I dying? I take a breath, is this a trick? Oxygen has arrived, clean, fresh. I dare not exhale for trepidation that all there was has been inhaled.
A hand waving, warm and inviting. I swim through the crude of my pathetic life desperate to get to whom ever it is.
But the blackness comes. Waves of nausea torture me and I sink beneath the muck of my sin and the sins of other that have befallen me. Damn freewill.
I am lost, lost in my transgressions that stick to me like coloured glue. I see the faces of those I have injured but they are distorted and lost too. forgiveness can smooth them, but no one offers it.
The hand waves again and beckons. I can't I cry, you are not real. The oil is burning through my eyes lids.
Stop calling me, I want to.......
But he waves and tells me in a language my heart speaks, that he is there waiting, holding out for me like he has always done and always will.
He is clean except for red stains dripping down his shawl and I see my name which I had nearly forgotten sewn into his gown. He is clean.
He is also home. His very presence is my hearts desire and I slowly begin to breath again-His air clean, clean. By virtue of his wave I am dripping in his cleanliness and I can feel the hot oil falling of my loose skin.
He offers me aloe.
He offers me water, he offers me his hand and I reach, take and hold.
He offers me a finding place and whispers, "You are found".
Just then, I sink beneath the murky waters again.
Right now, I am lost.