Have you ever had a day when you got up in the morning and thought, that's it I can't do this anymore? Maybe your "this" is your job, marriage, friendships, relationships, addictions, emotional and or spiritual struggles. Maybe you woke up and thought the very idea of existing that day was too much? I have had those days. In fact, I am having one of them today. These kinds of days are troubling and I am thankful that they only happen ever so often.
I have a habit of never discussing these kinds of days with anyone because people tend to give unhelpful advice or worse, offer over-spiritual evangelical cliches. Earlier today, someone on the phone said, "Oh well, one day all your troubles will be forgotten, so don't worry so much". I sighed. 1) I am not worried about anything and 2)that person totally disregarded how I was feeling about something in that moment. I also wasn't looking for advice or validation, but for someone just to listen. Today, has been a lonely day and it has even been difficult to pray.
On days like this I have learned it is best to lock myself away, and rest, cry, eat little and sing. Yep, sing. It is through singing gentle songs and hymns that I get through. Right now, the gospel group MercyMe is singing away the song, "I can Only Imagine" and the gospel group Casting-Crowns is singing, "East to West". It is the second song that causes me to pause because it echos my deep dark feelings today.
Have you ever had a day where all you do is cry, doubt, stumble and fumble and over all think everything is wrong? This is me today and there are a whole host of reasons why. Today is the kind of day when I really identify with Jesus. Jesus too had this kind of day. Jesus even went so far as to cry out to his Heavenly Father saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachtani?” (which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). I feel forsaken today.
Now we all know that Jesus is quoting Psalm 22, when he is crying out on the cross and I have heard many sermons about God, the Father turning His back on Jesus and I have heard so many times pastors say, "God cannot look on our sin and He could not look on Jesus". Wow, Jesus was having a terrible day.
But I have also learned to keep reading the rest of Psalm 22 that states clearly, “he has not hidden his face from him, but has listened to his cry for help", Jesus it turns out is actually heard. Ultimately, we see this is true in the resurrection of Jesus where we find that God did not forsake him and there is a promise that I too and you will not be forsaken. It is on days like this when I cannot go on, that I need to remember that God hears me, has died for me and loves me no matter what.
Have you ever had a day when you wondered just who you were? Well let me tell you from the bottom of my heart-just like me, even on days like this, you are someone deeply loved by God. Casting Crowns says it better then me in their song, "Who am I". They sing, "Who am I that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean Vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am Yours"
Have you ever had a day when you trusted God with all your troubles, fears and sin? Today could be the start.
Until then, I am staying in my room resting, crying, singing and remembering that the God of Jesus loves me too, no matter what!
With teary, hope-filled love,
Pamela
