Three days to go, Seminary count down

I almost want to skip classes today, as I am swamped with final papers. I look at my calender and simply do not know how I will get them all done. But God will sustain me through this last stretch of the road and He will sustain me for the future-I just have to let him.

Last week when I returned from my visit at the C.C.C., there was an email from Adele about having "eaten two chocolate bars". This, usually is code for Help! And it was, we have tried to have conversations about our immediate future and one of us usually ends up crying. She is feeling as sad as I am, when we think about what church and where God is potentially sending me.
Anticipatory grief, right now, is very present in my life.
But as the count down for me slowly concludes, one may be starting for Adele. She just found out, today, that she might (a big might) be going to South Africa for the beginning of the New Year, until April. This is great news and it might be the answer to my prayers, "that she find peace" in our parting. God, does sustain us!
Count downs end and count ups begin-for this I am thankful for.
As for now, it's oft to finish count down day four
pamela

Goodbye Seminary Count Down

Tonight at 5PM I walked out of Emmanuel College, one of the Toronto School of Theology Seminaries, where I have been studying for nearly three years. I walked out for the last time. The count down has begun as I finished the first of five remaining days at Seminary.
By the time I got home I was in tears. Tears of exhaustion and joy. Tears of fear and of accomplishment. I have done well at school and know there is a future in either a PhD or a DMin, just not right away. I feel very sad. I simply will not know what to do with myself on December 6th!
So where is my life heading? For the past six years, I have been on a path to becoming a pastor and it looks like I am almost there-just in time to want to run as far away as possible.
I simply am too much of a goof ball to really be a pastor, but then, when I think of doing something else I know I simply couldn't. Every ounce of my being wants to serve in God's Kingdom in a congregational setting-so now I just need to trust that this "calling" I received when I was so little, this calling that has been formed and shaped by the Holy Spirit is ready to take flight.
Day one count down is complete and I only have used half a box of kleenex, pretty good for me. But we still have to get through next week.

Just fess up and admit your'e loved!

I love people. I love their stories, their goofiness, their sorrows and their joys. I think people are the greatest things. Everyday I give thanks to God for having made humanity and for the relationship He constantly calls us into, with Him.
I am very thankful for the way He "gives" or "sends" me people, to laugh with, care for, cry with, mentor and "be" with. This is a privileged, responsibility that I take very seriously.
But sometimes I really fail when it comes to letting people love ME. Do I feel that I am not worthy of their love? Have I been too disappointed by people to trust them? Am I so filled with grief that I simply don't want the heart ache of saying goodbye when our season is over together? Am I scared of just how big this role of being a pastor is?
I am sure all of the questions above have a partly, yes, answer to them. But I think the real problem is a control issue. You see when I am doing and being the stuff I do, and be with people, I am the one in control. I set the boundaries.
Lately though, I have been in situations where I have been way out of control, way out of my comfort zone. When I allow myself a relaxing moment (which can take a while) I discover that I am usually being greatly loved.
This past week at the very special request from a very special professor, I attended a lunch. I brought my own Pastor with me too, for he knew some old friends that were going to be there as well. Long story short, we had a very good time. But something happened half way through-I discerned that I was being really loved, cared for and dare say respected. I saw my professor beaming at me and became aware of how many people he was introducing me to. He simply, in a beautiful Christian way, loved me. He was sharing his mentors and friends and colleagues with me. What a blessed new pastor, I am!
On the drive home, my pastor asked me, "what did you see, today". I gave him a truthful answer, but left all of the above part out. To be honest, in the back of my head, all day, I kept asking why. Why does this really great professor and expert in his field want me here? There must be some cosmic error happening, why me? That's when I realized I was committing idolatry. I had taken my eyes off of the Kingdom of God and placed them on me. This is a dangerous and foolish thing to do.
Then is dawned on me, I never ask why God gives me people to love and play with. I simply say thank you for the great privilege and this is what I needed to do this week. I needed to let others fulfil their calling in being with me and to receive their love. That is what true worship is, God's children; playing, working, serving, resting and seeking him all together. I was so blessed on that special day and very thankful. I was indeed loved, in more ways than one. So, I just fess up, right now, and admit how good it is to be loved and at times it is even better than doing the loving!!
Thanks to Richard, Fred and John for a great day in the Kingdom-You are all wonderful Pastors!

What does it mean to be a failure?

I finally did it, I dropped out of my thesis program. After months of struggle, stalled conversations, unhelpful comments and a life of chaos I finally listened to what the Lord has been saying.
For two years now, God has been telling me to, "Stop being do driven academically. I do not want you to be an expert preacher Pamela, I want you to be an expert in me".
It has been a difficult road coming to this decision (probably didn't need to be if I had just listened) and really I think the question for today should be how do I define success, not what does it mean to be a failure?
My all to fallen human side is screaming you failed, you are dumb. But myself which is in Jesus, gently reminds me that success is not defined in degrees, prestige, human ideas about beauty, financial wealth or things. Rather, true success is found in the deep: peace, goodness, gentleness, love, perseverance, joy, patience, faithfulness, and self control. These of course are the "fruit" one bears and receives, from others in Christ Jesus and I should be practising them so much more and accepting them from others
For the next few weeks I will have to live with the implications of dropping out of my program and that in itself is difficult, there are many.
Hopefully, the voice in my head (which is quite loud, today) will be dimmed, when I intentionally focus on God's ideas of success. But it really boils down to a matter of doing it....
The picture I choose for this entry, is one I took from Adele's car when we were at Lake Luther, in the summer. It represents the journey I am on with God. His path is straight, clean and beautiful. There is evidence of Him going before me. But it remains blurry because I often begin to take my eyes off of Him and then I get lost. So this week I will begin to care for myself by trusting that real success is found in Him, only. So, what does it mean to be a failure? Well, simply put, in Jesus I am NOT!

Trusting, is Hard Today

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proved;
He is a shield to all those who trust in Him.
(Psalm 18:30)

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
(Psalm 18:2)

I woke up this morning, like I did yesterday, afraid, wild in my heart and not at all peaceful. It took several hours for me to calm down and really lean into God's embrace. I am a petty child and fickle too. I have no idea why God (them) still loves me so much. But they do and I am thankful and so today as I head off to school I am leaning on the above verses and of course Psalm 46 which is my favourite.
I wish the world His peace today, no matter what happens
Pamela

I am impatient

Today, I have been fretting. I hate it when I have to wait to "hear" from people. I hate having to wait for another person's schedule to be figured out so I can get on with my life. I hate it.
Now, it sounds like I am having a temper tantrum and to be honest I probably am. All day long I have heard God say, "Stop, I am doing something. Let me work this out for. Stop" Do you think I would listen? No of course not, instead I have sent emails, made phone calls and tried to hurry everyone along. When will I learn?
Part of my impatience, at the moment, is because I have to make some decisions and they are difficult ones, with far reaching implications and I want to make sure I make the healthiest choices. However, others are involved and I need to wait for them. I need more of God's patience!
In Galatians chapter 5 we have what is called the Fruit of the Spirit, they are spiritual gifts and patience is one of them. But I was not given this spiritual gift in abundance, I seem doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Help!!
Have you ever noticed that patient people have a real peace? Patient people don't get into the kind of trouble I do.
Have you ever thought about how long it takes to make maple syrup? It takes a long time and I find reflecting on the process of making syrup helpful for it demonstrates that, "good things come to those who wait". Just think, with maple syrup you have to find the tree, drill it, tap it, collect it, boil the sap, filter it and then can it. This process can take days and what do you have at the end? A beautiful sweet taste of nature.
I know I have not been listening to God lately. I complain that people can't hear me when I am screaming. And I do hear Him-
Father forgive me for wanting to skip steps, forgive me for not waiting for others and discerning what you are doing in their lives. Help me to see it is not all about me, but your other kids too. Slow me down Father in a gentle way. Thanks for the blessings and the sweet things of life. Help me to appreciate all that goes into refining and making your kids come closer to you
Pamela

Receiving Grace, trusting others

I love people. I love their stories,ideas,sorrow and their hopes. I love people. I can tell you a million reasons why people intrigue me and bring me joy, but I can't tell you why I think people love me. I have deep trouble receiving grace. We find in In 2 Peter at chapter 3:18 this encouragement "But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ". How should we respond to the grace of God? We are to be merciful, even as God is full of mercy (Luke 6:36). We are to forgive others, just as we have been forgiven. We are to serve others, just as we have been served. We are to be gracious toward others, giving them favor and kindness. Our words are to be full of grace (Colossians 4:6). It’s supposed to make a difference in our lives and in our priorities.
So what's wrong with me? Probably a trust issue.
sometimes I see myself as this, "When others let us down, it’s normal not only to feel hurt but also to think that our destiny has somehow been thwarted. We fear we’ve been cheated out of benefits that rightfully should be ours. It’s the rare moment of faith when we consider that God may see things differently"
More importantly, the Bible never promises that God will shield us from all possibility of others disappointing us, even if we’re walking in his will. Nor does it suggest that God should be expected to override someone else’s free will and cause a quick change in the way that person treats us, simply because we’ve prayed. And it isn’t to say that we should never express disappointment or anger to someone else. There are times when confronting someone is necessary both for our emotional health and for their growth as well. The bottom line is that God is not our adversary but our friend and so is the same for others in Christ. God, has given us a promise, found in Romans 8:28: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” And to make the point even more emphatically, Paul reiterates it three verses later: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom 8:31). The friendship of Christ is the overriding factor that touches every relationship and encounter of life.

I need to remember this. And this week I have a few situations coming up where I need to put my faith in God and others into practice
Blessings,
pamela

Lost

Once again sleeps escapes me, my mind reeling for peace.
I feel like I am suffocating, drowning in the black, murky, oozing stench called life.
I grasp for a rock, cleft, hand or even Spirit, but I find nothing, except slick oil that burns.
My nostrils are filled with the memories of Falls of the past, when I felt safe and secure.
Suddenly, the smell is repulsive and I gag desperate for air. One more time, the evil fills me and I scream except nothing comes out.
I have been screaming for weeks and no one hears me. I am the invisible screamer. No one sees.
My heart is slowing, am I dying? I take a breath, is this a trick? Oxygen has arrived, clean, fresh. I dare not exhale for trepidation that all there was has been inhaled.
A hand waving, warm and inviting. I swim through the crude of my pathetic life desperate to get to whom ever it is.
But the blackness comes. Waves of nausea torture me and I sink beneath the muck of my sin and the sins of other that have befallen me. Damn freewill.
I am lost, lost in my transgressions that stick to me like coloured glue. I see the faces of those I have injured but they are distorted and lost too. forgiveness can smooth them, but no one offers it.
The hand waves again and beckons. I can't I cry, you are not real. The oil is burning through my eyes lids.
Stop calling me, I want to.......
But he waves and tells me in a language my heart speaks, that he is there waiting, holding out for me like he has always done and always will.
He is clean except for red stains dripping down his shawl and I see my name which I had nearly forgotten sewn into his gown. He is clean.
He is also home. His very presence is my hearts desire and I slowly begin to breath again-His air clean, clean. By virtue of his wave I am dripping in his cleanliness and I can feel the hot oil falling of my loose skin.
He offers me aloe.
He offers me water, he offers me his hand and I reach, take and hold.
He offers me a finding place and whispers, "You are found".
Just then, I sink beneath the murky waters again.
Right now, I am lost.

I got made 36 years ago!

I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well.

Psalms 139:13-14

The writer of this Psalm knows something I have forgotten, lately, they know who made them and why.

This past year has been very difficult as I have finished up seminary, went through four deaths in our family, said goodbye to friends who graduated and went back to Western Canada and other parts of the world, ended a fantastic internship, ended a very important six year relationship with a dear friend (it needed to end, but was still sad) and saw the loss of a mentor. Of course, there are also the calamities of the past few weeks, Paul's broken arm, my allergic reaction to sage and now the flood of 2007, water heater burst-what else can go wrong?

So here I am, on my 36th birthday and it has suddenly dawned on me I have had a great deal of grief this past year and quite frankly I am tired of it. Perhaps, I am more tired of the way I have been handling it.

Yesterday, on the phone a dear older lady friend said to me, "Pamela, lately you have been talking about the past a great deal, but I think God made you for the future". There was a pause in the conversation and then I asked her, what she meant. "I see you as someone whom God has made for the sole purpose of cultivating beautiful loving relationships and He is putting in front of you many new people for you to love-don't let this past year sour the great potential and gift you have for loving people". I was struck dumb. This dear lady spoke truth, she was telling me or reminding me why God had made me and I suddenly realized that it was not so much that I had forgotten, but that I am scared. I am scared of saying goodbye to more people. I flipped through my last months journal entires and every one of them contains something about a prayer for release from fear.

I do think it is very healthy to acknowledge how you are feeling, but then we need to heal and move on. So today, I start healing and start remembering that God has plans for me, plans to heal me and prosper me (spiritually speaking) and He also trusts me with his other kids. I do love people and in loving them we need to take risks, including the risk that they are only in our lives for just a season and we need to let them go when the time comes and we need to say goodbye-not eternally, but just for a time.

So today, I remember what the Psalmist wrote and sang and I look forward to more loving friendships.

This has been a good birthday!

I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well.

Psalms 139:13-14

Happy Birthday Blues

November 8th is my birthday. I am in my thirties, not early thirties anymore, but mid thirties. My parents are dead, other family members are dead, spiritually speaking and I am looking at myself in the mirror, asking, who are you?
I know this is a time of pruning and that I should be thankful because when this season is over I will bear more fruit, for His Kingdom. And I am thankful for God's continual love. A good gardener trims, a good Father disciplines, it just hurts sometimes and it always seems to be around my birthday.
This year being the year that my Dad died, I feel a strangeness about celebrating my birthday. I simply don't want too, why celebrate when your parents, the ones who gave you life are not even here? To be honest I feel more sorry for my brother, Dad died on his birthday. Now, I can see it as a celebration, as we celebrate Marc's birth and Dad's first anniversary with Jesus-but he doesn't see it that way. Perhaps, this is sorta like what I am feeling right now. Why celebrate when all is so gloomy? Well, I think I know the answer and that is Jesus! I know who my King is and no matter what is taken from me, no matter how naked I am stripped, He is still my King and I will proclaim Him from the roof tops. So even though I am feeling a little blue-I rejoice in having been made by a loving God who is always with me. I rejoice in the gifts I having been given, the friendships I have and the plans God has for me. So, Happy Birthday Pammy and (note) God will quiet you with His Love!!

Halloween Bust

This was the first ever Halloween where I did not have a party. Life right now, really, is in the pits. I was so sick after the "sage" allergic reaction adventure and really tired of taking care of Paul. So much so, that I actually cooked a frozen pizza (first time) and gave that to my hubby, for his dinner.
Marc went out with a friend and I gave out candy to only 10 kids-10 kids! That is all we got this year. And of course Aunt Pam was no where around, so I gathered up the "possibilities" of my party and sulked on the couch. I didn't even watch a horror film-What's happening?

Broken arm-Warning graphic photos

Once again, Paul has injured himself and once again it is complicated-most of you know the story so I won't repeat it, just keeping praying for us!

A Masked Friend

You can only do this with your best friend
Love you Delly!!

An almost prayer filled life

Introduction

My prayer life fluctuates between lament, outward anger, silence, solitude and what I call a healthy balance of mutual respect between myself and God. When I take an honest look at my prayer life I can see a little of myself in Henri Nouwen, a notable catholic priest, but probably more of myself in the fictional character Sonny the “Apostle”, from the movie the Apostle. These recognitions are helpful in aiding me in a deeper relationship with God, but they are also warning signs that I may indeed be praying in unhealthy ways or not doing enough listening, which is an equal part of prayer.

The following reflection paper will be a look at Nouwen's themes in relation to prayer in my life as a Baptist Pastor from his books The Way of the Heart and The Inner Voice of Love, including a look at his struggle and my observations and reflections about his life and ministry and his use of prayer. Furthermore, we will contrast the character “Sonny”, from the movie the Apostle to myself and Nouwen as a way to identify any unhealthy prayer practices.

Nouwen's help, as I develop as a Pastor

I love to pray, whether it is intercessory or living prayer or creative and even scriptural, that has been arranged for prayer. I love it! As a pastor, in particular, prayer is at the heart of my ministry. I pray in worship services and I pray at pastoral visits. My prayer life seems to be healthy and I am in agreement with Nouwen when he says in his book, The Way of the Heart, “The prayer of the heart is the prayer of truth. It unmasks the many illusions about ourselves and about God” (79). This is such a true statement, there are no illusions when we pray and I have experienced watching someone being changed from “glory to glory” because of prayer and have experienced that change myself. We are naked in the purest form when we pray. Our masks fall off and we are exposed lovingly. This type of heart felt prayer life is liberating. There is a place where I can go and be me and hopefully as a Pastor lead people to God. It is the type of prayer most helpful in pastoral care.

In the movie the Apostle the character Sonny is being striped naked, metaphorically speaking. He loses his wife, his church, his children and essentially his life as he runs from all of his problems. But this nakedness is ugly, it is not the liberating nakedness of removing our masks that Nouwen speaks of. Sonny's prayer life becomes nothing more then demanding and shouting about how the world has done him wrong. I had a sense while watching the scene where he drowns his car, rips up his wallet and “begins again” that everything he had was just superficial. There was no substance behind his life, otherwise I think he would have fought harder for his life. Prayer can become superficial too, when it is one way.

I love how Nouwen talks about how through the prayer of the “heart one enters into the Kingdom” (78). It is this state we need to strive for. Prayer to Nouwen is; “that active presence of God's Spirit guiding me through life” (86). This is my thought exactly, especially the part about life and what I strive for in ministry. The striking and sad thing about the Sonny character is that there are “no witnesses” in his spiritual life. He does not seem to be aware of the active presence of God. For me, the Trinity members are my witnesses, but that relationship compels me to be active with others, especially in the public declaration of baptism In the scene where he baptizes himself he declares “there are no witnesses”. The audience knows that the Black fisherman sees him, but he doesn't know that and I took the Black man to represent God. God knows when we are not praying and being in their presence, in a healthy way when this happens we cannot bring people to the Kingdom. God's guide Spirit is way for us to listen to His prodding, to see where and whom God wants us to speak.

To be very honest I have been in a bit of a pruning time and I have found my own prayer life, right now, a little empty. I pride myself on being someone who can hold the hand of another, who has been hurt and just sit while they weep. I was an professional actor for 17 years and I know the importance of words, but as someone who longs to preach I also know the need as Nouwen states it, to have “words that create the boundaries within which we can listen to the loving, caring, gentle presence of God” (61). I had forgotten this personally, lately, through all my complaining. I forgot to listen to the gentle, caring words of my Father, which has caused me to be empty and unsure. I am not sure what has led me to this place except that I am very overwhelmed right now and I have found myself acting more like “Sonny” from the movie the Apostle. I too have lamented, shouted, called out to God, been demanding and doing things my way, just like Sonny does in the movie. And just like Sonny I too have spoken too much and not listened. I think it is very fitting at the end of the film when he says, “I have the right to remain silent, guess I do an awful lot of talking”. This comment struck a cord in me. I too do more talking than listening and it is a mistake not listening to our Father. As Nouwen puts it, “speaking gets us involved in the affairs of the world and it is very hard to be involved without becoming entangled in and polluted by the world” (51). He is right. I have become a grumbler, a murmurer of all the things wrong with this semester. I am too busy, too many sick people at church, not enough time with my husband, worried about all the work to do for my ordination and so forth and so forth. I have become tied up in my world affairs and have not spent enough time listening to God. However, our God is good and actually provided someone to call me up on all my complaining by asking was I doubting my call to stay in ministry. No I am not, but as Nouwen explained “our words are more an expression of our doubt than of our faith” (54). This hit home! I have been convicted. I had stopped talking to God in the past few weeks or perhaps I should say I have stopped waiting for answers. My devotional time has been reading and studying, not, just being, not hanging out with my Lord. It is in these times I realize how much I miss out on the relationship part with our Father. I must guard myself from the idea that God is just facts and figures. He is alive and welcoming and willing and wanting to be with me. Nouwen, offers, “concerning our ministry of silence is not whether we say much or little, but whether our words call forth the caring silence of God himself” (66). This helped me realize I still need work in this area. Watching Sonny deal with his problems has also helped me to see why silence is so much more important then unhealthy lament and that my impatience causes me to do unhelpful things. A good example of longing to serve God, but being unhelpful because of the lack of listening is found again with Sonny. In the beginning of the film, there is a car accident and Sonny gets out and goes and speaks to this young man who is injured. Instead of loving the boy and being gentle with him, he just walks him through “believers prayer” and asks him questions about where he is going, if he were to die right there and then. I was horrified at this and thought about the times I saw it happen in real life with my family members who lay on deaths bed. We are all so focused on the next life that we forget about mercy and compassion in this life, right now in the present. This type of ministry is unhealthy as it reduced God to a system. This type of ministry is not the calling of the Kingdom Nouwen speaks about. Perhaps, a car crash is a good time for practical help and very few words.

Honest Friends

I am glad to have read the Inner Voice of Love, although, it has come to me during a time of pruning and I have more than once wanted to throw the book across the room because it made me so angry. Nouwen has such a way of getting to the point, quickly. In this book, which is a collection of passages from Henri's journals, written during a period when his self-esteem evaporated, his energy to work disappeared, and God seemed entirely unreal (x111) I have found an honest friend. The first chapter spoke deeply to my heart, as he expressed his feelings of homelessness even though he had found home and of his anguish over a friendship that could not continue. I feel these things right now. Though, I also feel grateful that he took the time to write this book because it to has helped me to be a better pastor or at least not feel so alone. I found reading the book while going through this pruning time was an answer to some anxiety I was having. On page 17 he says, “stay close very close to Jesus”. This is something I have tried doing in these last few weeks, but it can be hard too. I feel anguish right now and that means my prayer life has been empty or filled with me talking more rather than listening. I found reading the book helped me to slow down to a point where I could truly reflect and see where I am in ministry. This was helpful and it also allowed me to reflect on the honesty of the Sonny character whom I believe was in “service of the Lord”. Sonny knows he is serving the Lord. He walks back over to his own car, where his mother is waiting after stopping at the car accident scene and says, “Mama, we made news in heaven this morning, we made news in heaven”. I still think I wold have done things differently, but he was truly assured that the boy would be “saved”. Perhaps, the point here is that you can only go so far on your own and then you find yourself away from God which is what happens to Sonny. So Nouwen is right, when he encourages us to stay close to Jesus.

Nouwen on page 99 says, “your vocation is to speak from the place in you where God dwells”. I believe this is the heart of the book. The inner voice for me is God speaking in and through me so I can be in God's presence and lead other there too. Sonny on the other hand, seems to be coming to his faith by works, and good deeds. The Apostle, seems to be a movie about personal penance. Redemption with God cannot be bought with our good works, passion and love of people. Salvation is in the appropriated work of Christ alone and it is this theme that is entirely absent from the movie. Nouwen, I think would agree.

It really does seem as though the chief character in the movie is God. God, works, through the foolishness and sin of man, to build his church. Henri Nouwen and Sonny are two similar men but with two different approaches to their relationship with God and two different approaches to building God's church. They both began their ministries as children. Nouwen, in his parents house with his pretend church and Sonny as a child preacher within the Pentecostal tradition. They both are extremely passionate men whom were convinced of their callings to pastoral ministry. They are similar and we find they share a dependency issue, on others due to their loneliness which I attribute to their relationship with God. It is however, important to note how they differently dealt with loneliness. Nouwen sought out a life of solitude, silence and pray in order to minister out of his own suffering of loneliness. In The Inner Voice of Love, he writes:

When you love someone, or miss someone, you experience an inner pain... You need the other to experience wholeness…you have become emotionally dependent…this reveals a certain lack of trust in God’s love…the more you are stripped of the support of people the more you are called to love God (63-4).

With solitude, silence, reflection and prayer Nouwen was able to come face to face with God and share his insights of God, lovingly, with others. My prayer is that I will always seek God's ways so that my foolishness and loneliness does not hurt anyone. Sonny has not followed the same path. His faith is not reflective nor contemplative, but the belief of a determined and stubborn man to do things his way. Sonny is convinced that God wants him to be a Pastor for a church, at all costs. He does not listen to what God’s will is, but plans his own future because he is afraid of being alone. Sonny speaks of his gospel mission as, “You do it your way, and I do it mine, but boy do we get things done.” This points out that he is not concerned about God's will, only the success of his mission. He lies to the retired pastor to gain his trust and support. He tells the feuding women on the bus to love and forgive each other, yet he does not do that himself. Because of this he does not cultivate real friendships with others or God.

In the documentary about Henry, Journey of the Heart (2005), it is said “Henry's books seemed to speak to the souls of readers” as if they were written directly to everyone who was reading his work. Nouwen seemed to believe that “entering into your own suffering, was the source for your ministry”, and living with Jesus as the one who welcomes you into the warm embrace of the Father” (Journey of the Heart). This is the only way one can reach others and it is why his books “speak to the readers”. It is Nouwen’s example of being a friend and pastor with others that I want to follow. His challenge to me as a pastor is for me to understand we must “die to our neighbor, stop judging and evaluating them, thus we become free to be compassionate…and forgiving” (36, 37). This is the honest work of a Pastor, moving “in love toward their congregation (46).

Conclusion

I have discovered when my prayer life is out of whack, it is probably because my solitude and silence time is also failing. I must heed Nouwen's words to “pray always (15)”, and to practice with diligence both Solitude and Silence, as together, they are the context within which prayer is practiced (69)”. It is where Christ remodels in us His image (32) These three disciplines go hand in hand. These three disciplines, maybe more then the rest of Christian disciplines, are the true way for us to become truly human. As Nouwen phrased it; “solitude, silence and prayer allow us to save ourselves and others from the shipwreck of our self destructive society” (92). Prayer is not an event, which separates the heart and mind, but an event of the entire being. In prayer we are my completely vulnerable to the presence of God, his works, words and movements towards us, we cannot hide (79). Prayer is a continual yearning of the human spirit toward God where the heart prayers by itself (83), and where we find rest in the midst of the painful reality of the fallen world. This is not always easy, but with God's grace, it is possible and as Nouwen says; solitude shows us the way to let our behavior be not shaped by the compulsions of the world but by our new mind, the mind of Christ. Silence prevents us from being suffocated by our wordy word and teaches us to speak the Word of God and finally, unceasing prayer gives solitude and silence their real meaning.

I pray I will continue to develop these disciplines, they are crucial for people in ministry. My inner sense of belonging to Father God can only lead me to draw people to Him and we can only do this through healthy prayer. We can only do this if our heart is centered on Jesus.

Nouwen concludes in The Way of the Heart, with words from King Jesus and I will do the same, but with a different choice. “Jesus said, My nourishment comes from doing the will of God”... ( John 4:34). May we all seek God's will and be nourished, may we remember to discern his will through Solitude, Silence and Prayer.

Works Cited

Nouwen, Henri. The Way of the Heart. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1981.

Nouwen, Henri. The Inner Voice of Love. New York: Random House, 1996.

Urban Context -warning not for kids!

Introduction

For the last five weeks I have been asking myself, is there such a thing and or a difference between “hard core”-Urban ministry and Urban ministry? What we have been studying in class, to me, can be defined as “hard core”-Urban ministry. I suggest this because I attend a church at Saint Clair and Yonge and I am a 5^th generation Torontonian, with an excellent grasp ( I think) of the ethos, practice, and movement of my beloved Toronto. I view the Urban ministry at my church through the lens of a white, upper middle class, educated young women who will be a Baptist minister to professionals. These professionals are predominantly white, wealthy, very hard working and contribute greatly, in many ways, to our beautiful city. They are classic city dwellers, urbanites and in some cases very powerful people. Nonetheless, I have been reminded through our class that there is a grittier side of Toronto, that I may not be so willing to admit nor embrace. This is something, I have come to realize, I should be ashamed of and something I need to work on greatly. I suppose the truth is, “hard core”-Urban ministry scares me.

These past five weeks have been a tremendous time of stretching for me. I have been pulled out of my comfort zone, been challenged about my theological beliefs of “who is in the Kingdom and who isn't” and finally I have been challenged by the awareness of how much I am afraid of “hard core” Urban ministry. I have shed some tears, over this and suspect there is more of God's “pruning” to come.

The following reflection paper will examine the areas of my life where I have been most challenged. I will do this by way of conversation with handouts from class, readings, guest speakers and the field trip that was taken to Regent Park.

Comfort Zone

The comfort zone that I have been whisked from, is of course, the fact that I am a fairly conservative Baptist attending a seminary that has several different theological beliefs then the ones I hold. This has always been a challenge for me at T.S.T. and is a deeper challenge when I take classes at Emmanuel (this is my third class). An example of being out of my comfort zone, is the fact we have two openly Gay people in our class. Attending classes with Gay people is an enormous, stretching experience for me. I was raised that practicing Homosexuals are going “to Hell”. I was raised and believe that God created and His purpose for marriage is found in the union of man and wife only. To sit with Gay people, to worship and learn with Gay people is disturbing to me. In one small group time, I shared gently that I did not hold the same theological beliefs, as my fellow student, with regards same sex marriage and the response back was “I need to change”. I did not respond. I also held my tongue, when we attended the Regent Park day, when a first year student launched an opinion of her strong dislike of “right-wing conservative Christians”. I am very happy to be a voting Conservative, Evangelical Born Again Christian!

What I might ask myself in these circumstances, and some, in my conservative world have asked me, is, why do I go there? The answer is simply that I do not find these “challenges” hurtful. I quite enjoy being the odd man out. Mostly, I do enjoy people, all people and have grown from my experiences while attending classes at Emmanuel. I do not feel marginalized.

This comment about not feeling marginalized has led me to ponder and ask what is marginalization? In one of our small groups we discussed this at length. Many definitions were offered covering aspects such as; “being the only person in a situation”, “being abused”, “feeling left out”, “feeling there is no way out”, “feeling there are no choices, other than wrong ones” and finally “marginalization as being a choice”. I have learned that I do not think of “being on the margin” as a bad thing. I often put myself in that place, such as being the only “Wycliffe” student and often the only “Conservative Baptist” in a class at T.S.T. I often like being on the margin. This however, may not the predominate feeling most people have when they feel they are on the margin.

In one class discussion time, I asked 'How can I tell who is on the margin in my church, for I do worry about such people? The only answer I have come up with and I think was also the answer provided by Professor Wyatt, is to look for the person “who isn't speaking, or “who isn't being heard”, they very well may feel marginalized in a bad way. Joerg Rieger's article entitled Theology and the Power of the Margins in a Postmodern World, which we read and then discussed in class, raised this issue of being aware of who is powerless around us. On page 191, while quoting Sharon Welch, this comment is made, “the marginalized are not recognized as part of the postmodern voice. There is clearly a gap between the powerful and powerless in our society and we must not dismiss each other”. On page 188, Rieger says “the only thing that will keep our resistance honest, therefore, is a renewed option for the poor – an ever closer connection with the margins”. He argues we are to bring the “marginalized back into the system” (186). I believe the best way to do this, is to listen carefully to each other. For me, this means, two immediate things, one, embracing in love all of my classmates, no matter how different we are and two, understanding that “it is possible that God loves the things in us that we don't like”(class notes). Both of these ideas do require patience, tenderness and the leading of the Holy Spirit and they are not always easy to do

Theological Beliefs Challenged

How we do and be effective Christ centered ministry, has been the question on my mind these past five weeks. I know how to do and be effective in my urban ministry, but this grittier world I am being exposed to, is challenging me to see if I have a healthy theological paradigm.

The idea of us being “living texts” is very fascinating to me, and when I review my journal from our first class, and our trip to Regent Park, I see how thrilling people really are to me. The question, and perhaps even some answers, to the question, “who is other”, I find very engrossing. How God sees people and how I see people, has been the pastoral journey I have been on this year, so the question of “other” is forefront. I suspect my journey in this class has been planned precisely by our Heavenly Father. This particular reflection came to a head, when dealing with the journal question, “what connections between our stories do you make with the experience last week at Regent Park?” The answer, and what I wrote in my journal is simply, “we are not so different – we all struggle, but I think some of us, are in healthier situations.”

I went on the tour with Reverend Andrew Allen, he is a Baptist. His being a Baptist Pastor was important to me, for I automatically trusted him. However, as our tour went on, I sensed a great gulf between his ideas about ministry and mine. Andrew is respected in our denomination, and I share this respect as well, but I was outraged at his seemingly agreement with how the redevelopment of Regent Park should not “have swings, (in a park) for fear people will kill themselves” and “there will be no balconies on the new apartment buildings, since the mentality is, poor people are more depressed, hence more suicidal”. This, I found very upsetting. I believe I found this upsetting because I am financially very poor, and in no way am I suicidal, and I have dearly loved the two “balconies” that I have had, while living in apartments. I also found the attitude, that “something is terribly wrong if one lives in an apartment and/or low income housing”, insulting. I grew up in an apartment building, and yes, at times, if a strange man was coming towards me in the “hallway”, I felt nervous, but this is no reason to do away with apartments. I do not know what the answer is, except that I find apartment dwelling an acceptable place to live, even if there are people “having sex in the stairwell”.
One of the very interesting things, that Reverend Michael Blair, Executive Director of Toronto Christian Resource Centre (another fellow Baptist minister), said when he visited our class, “people at Regent Park, don't look for validation from us”. I thought this to be an important comment, as it caused me, to ask myself, 'when I am doing ministry, am I seeking some type of validation?' I need to seriously reflect on this because I think there have been times when I see my work as a form for me to “do good” and that makes me “feel proud”, but it is utterly that kind of pride that Jesus warns us about.

There are many things about Michael's time with us that troubled me, he seemed to imply that there is something wrong with making minimum wage, and he used McDonald's as an example of a bad place to work in. I discussed this with him, after class, and he clarified for me, that the point he was trying to make was that “the people in Regent Park, have few if any choices, they are forced into most situations”. A light bulb went off in my head, when he said this, and I understood, the sadness and potential harm of what not having alternative choices, makes! However, when I reviewed my notes, Michael said, “only 25% of people in Regent Park use the social services offered, and only 50% of people are employed”. The most natural question arising, is why?

At the end of these few weeks of classes and after the field trip, I was left theologically dumbfounded and exhausted. I don't seem to know anything, how to help or how to be. The problems, lack of choices, cleanliness, poverty and all the interfaith dialog that was going on was simply too much for me and I have asked more than once what am I doing here, what are we doing wrong and where is Jesus? The only thing I am holding on to and it happens to be an answer to one of the questions I asked Andrew, is all tied up in a little word, that speaks to the heart of my theological beliefs. That word is HOPE! Hope for our future resurrection and hope in the return of our King, Jesus.

Who is in the Kingdom?

Prostitutes, homosexuals, fornicators, immigrants who live off hard working Canadians and atheists are not people I was taught would be living in the Kingdom of God, I was taught, and sometimes still hold the belief that if I just grew up to be a kind, God-fearing young lady, a good “Baptist” who memorized scripture, learn to play the piano, and be obedient to my parents wishes, I would get into the “Kingdom”. In this paradigm I was not to play with Catholics or Blacks. I was to get baptized at a young age, never smoke, drink alcohol or dance and I was never, never to ask questions. If you can imagine, our home was right out of a Women’s Day magazine, in which you would find the King James Version of the Bible on the coffee table, and a Scofield Bible on the book shelf. Our magazine rack held such classics as “Moody Press”, “Christian Herald” and the “Fellowship Baptist Magazine”. I was only allowed to read Trixie Beldin, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys and my favorite The Bobbsy Twins. We read anything written by Billy Graham, and T.T. Shields. Our record albums were by the “Moody Chorale”, “George Beverley Shea” and the “Gaithers”. “Sandi Patti” and “Amy Grant” (gospel material) were also approved for my listening. My family did not attend the cinema and theater was taboo. We did have a television and shows such as “Leave it to Beaver”, “Mickey Mouse Club”, “Flintstones” and “Gilligan’s Island” were acceptable for watching. I was never to watch soap operas, any “Liberal” news or listen to CBC radio. My brothers and I attended “Pioneer Girls” and “Boys’ Brigade”. My church had classes on sewing and cooking for the girls and choir and “learn how to be an usher” for the boys. I remember once, my mother, telling my older brother, to “make sure you laugh at the Pastor’s jokes”. All in all, life was bliss, my Father had a fantastic job, which enabled my mother to be at home, and we traveled as the perfect family all over the world, spreading our peace and joy. We knew whom to socialize with, what to spend our money on and had the perfect recipe for a perfect life. My heritage sincerely taught me that one day, if I accepted the Lord Jesus into my heart, I would be “raptured” and saved from Hell. I was taught that I could not partake in Communion until I was Baptized and that only then was I a true member of the church community. I was to memorize hymns like that of “Blessed Assurance”, “Victory in Jesus”, “The Church’s one Foundation”, “Because He Lives”, “Amazing Grace” “Holy, Holy, Holy” et cetera. These songs were the cornerstones of our faith. I was never to “backslide” and if I did then I was to “rededicate” my life to Jesus as soon as possible and then begin my “under conviction” lifestyle again. As a young women I was to understand what my father, pastor and or husband said, about the Antichrist, last days, millennium and tribulation. I was to know that the Bible was God’s Holy Word, inspired, infallible and inerrant. I was to be prepared to carry my own large cross. We knew we were “saved” because we had accepted Jesus, got baptized, read devotions, believed in the Holy Bible and witnessed appropriately, attending prayer groups and were good stewards. When the roll would be called up yonder, we would be at the top of the theological list, and we would be in the Kingdom. Now do you understand where I am coming from? Now do you see why this class and my time at T.S.T. has been so stretching? I am taking classes with people who are Gay and want to be pastors and married to someone of the same sex. Can you feel the scream of ahhhhhh building? At any rate, I have rejected most of the above, which is why my time here has been so meaningful and the truth is, the Gospel story is about the fact that God loves all, died for all, and had at the original time of creation a desire for all to be with him. This is the core of what I believe. Furthermore, I have come to realize, it is none of my business who God allows into his Kingdom and all the dos and don't s of my childhood mean virtually nothing-there is a freedom in Jesus that my heritage sadly has missed.

In the article about the Right to Beg, (class handout) the question is asked, “is it ethical to give to beggars?” This question helped me to understand the concerns I had, with “contributing to alcohol abuse, drug addiction and cigarette smoking”. I too, feel torn as the article suggests, “between feelings of sympathy and guilt”. I do however, strongly disagree with the articles solution, in which the solution “isn't individual charity, it's social justice”. For me, the answer is found in the transforming power of the Gospel message. I firmly believe in the scripture teaching that “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9). What I have come to learn is that indeed all prostitutes, homosexuals, fornicators, immigrants who live off hard working Canadians, atheists and little girls who are becoming Baptist ministers can come to a point where they declare Jesus as King. I believe, along with John Calvin, that “the church is a lacerated people” and I am thankful for that!

Fearful Conclusion

One of the greatest things about this class, has been the reminder that I love cross cultural experiences. Although, there has been a grittiness that has at times been upsetting for me, I wish to remain in an urban ministry context, as a pastor. I do have continual fears about “hard core”- Urban ministry and this is where the Global City article was helpful for me. Roland Kawano reminded me that Jesus himself worked in small contexts. On page 132 he writes,

[Jesus]... seems to have been content to teach and heal within his own small ethnic culture. He gathered around himself, a small group, to whom he gave much of his efforts, he depended on them completely... commits himself to living and dying among a small body of people. He grew up there, serving in his fathers carpenter shop. He did not travel long distances on speaking assignments.

This may very well be the answer to the question, that Kawano asks, “why can't we all come together into one integrated church?” (138,139) I think Jesus has answered that question for us, when it comes to being and doing ministry, we should keep things small, tender and intimate. We should perhaps build the church, one relationship at a time, we should perhaps, be small groups of love.

Today, I believe it is not only possible, but true that we have a global church of one body belonging to Christ and this body exists in the beautiful ethnic differences that can be found in our city.

Christians today are the new “Diaspora” and as our Hebrew family members of the ancient past, rethought their identity in the God of their tradition, we too are often aliens and surrounded by aliens in a strange land. Kawano, is correct when he says, “when we consider the universal phenomenon of hostility to the alien, we recognize that hospitality to the stranger seems to be a new teaching which comes out of special revelation”[37]. Furthermore, Kawano sums up exactly where my heart is being tugged, presently. He offers, “We may preach and teach the idea of hospitality to one another, to our whole clan, tribe or culture. But the real testing of the ideal is not with our familiars with our own tribe, but with the unfamiliar with the alien, the suspect, outsider” (37).

I am an alien, being a Christian in a world where Christendom seems dead. I am an alien while attending classes at Emmanuel, for I am a conservative Baptist, whom is very different from her classmates. Although, I am often uneasy, scared, frustrated, suffering from feelings of inadequacies and perhaps even somewhat marginalized, I know that I am in the exact place God has called me to be and I am happy to be there.

I still do not feel called to “hard-core” Urban ministry, and that is mostly because I am scared. Ministry is scary and dangerous and uncomfortable, but I am also willing to go and be the women God has called me to be. If I am to be really honest too, then I would admit that I am scared of failing. I like to do things well and systematic and with purpose, but people I'm afraid, are often not like that and nor should they be and nor should we treat people as a systematic anything.

Finally, all I know is that I remain a city girl who is, now exploring the grittier side of her beloved Toronto, that she was often unwisely shielded from. And in conclusion, I was reminded in our last class, that I do truly believe the “great treasure” of the church is all the people, for example “Saint Leonard was executed for” (Guest speaker comment) and whom Jesus willingly died for. My prayer, as I continue to learn from this class, is that I be humble in my seeking, gentle with my tongue and open to the leading of His Spirit.