Introduction
For the last five weeks I have been asking myself, is there such a thing and or a difference between “hard core”-Urban ministry and Urban ministry? What we have been studying in class, to me, can be defined as “hard core”-Urban ministry. I suggest this because I attend a church at Saint Clair and Yonge and I am a 5th generation Torontonian, with an excellent grasp ( I think) of the ethos, practice, and movement of my beloved Toronto. I view the Urban ministry at my church through the lens of a white, upper middle class, educated young women who will be a Baptist minister to professionals. These professionals are predominantly white, wealthy, very hard working and contribute greatly, in many ways, to our beautiful city. They are classic city dwellers, urbanites and in some cases very powerful people. Nonetheless, I have been reminded through our class that there is a grittier side of Toronto, that I may not be so willing to admit nor embrace. This is something, I have come to realize, I should be ashamed of and something I need to work on greatly. I suppose the truth is, “hard core”-Urban ministry scares me.
These past five weeks have been a tremendous time of stretching for me. I have been pulled out of my comfort zone, been challenged about my theological beliefs of “who is in the Kingdom and who isn't” and finally I have been challenged by the awareness of how much I am afraid of “hard core” Urban ministry. I have shed some tears, over this and suspect there is more of God's “pruning” to come.
The following reflection paper will examine the areas of my life where I have been most challenged. I will do this by way of conversation with handouts from class, readings, guest speakers and the field trip that was taken to Regent Park.
Comfort Zone
The comfort zone that I have been whisked from, is of course, the fact that I am a fairly conservative Baptist attending a seminary that has several different theological beliefs then the ones I hold. This has always been a challenge for me at T.S.T. and is a deeper challenge when I take classes at Emmanuel (this is my third class). An example of being out of my comfort zone, is the fact we have two openly Gay people in our class. Attending classes with Gay people is an enormous, stretching experience for me. I was raised that practicing Homosexuals are going “to Hell”. I was raised and believe that God created and His purpose for marriage is found in the union of man and wife only. To sit with Gay people, to worship and learn with Gay people is disturbing to me. In one small group time, I shared gently that I did not hold the same theological beliefs, as my fellow student, with regards same sex marriage and the response back was “I need to change”. I did not respond. I also held my tongue, when we attended the Regent Park day, when a first year student launched an opinion of her strong dislike of “right-wing conservative Christians”. I am very happy to be a voting Conservative, Evangelical Born Again Christian!
What I might ask myself in these circumstances, and some, in my conservative world have asked me, is, why do I go there? The answer is simply that I do not find these “challenges” hurtful. I quite enjoy being the odd man out. Mostly, I do enjoy people, all people and have grown from my experiences while attending classes at Emmanuel. I do not feel marginalized.
This comment about not feeling marginalized has led me to ponder and ask what is marginalization? In one of our small groups we discussed this at length. Many definitions were offered covering aspects such as; “being the only person in a situation”, “being abused”, “feeling left out”, “feeling there is no way out”, “feeling there are no choices, other than wrong ones” and finally “marginalization as being a choice”. I have learned that I do not think of “being on the margin” as a bad thing. I often put myself in that place, such as being the only “Wycliffe” student and often the only “Conservative Baptist” in a class at T.S.T. I often like being on the margin. This however, may not the predominate feeling most people have when they feel they are on the margin.
In one class discussion time, I asked 'How can I tell who is on the margin in my church, for I do worry about such people? The only answer I have come up with and I think was also the answer provided by Professor Wyatt, is to look for the person “who isn't speaking, or “who isn't being heard”, they very well may feel marginalized in a bad way. Joerg Rieger's article entitled Theology and the Power of the Margins in a Postmodern World, which we read and then discussed in class, raised this issue of being aware of who is powerless around us. On page 191, while quoting Sharon Welch, this comment is made, “the marginalized are not recognized as part of the postmodern voice. There is clearly a gap between the powerful and powerless in our society and we must not dismiss each other”. On page 188, Rieger says “the only thing that will keep our resistance honest, therefore, is a renewed option for the poor – an ever closer connection with the margins”. He argues we are to bring the “marginalized back into the system” (186). I believe the best way to do this, is to listen carefully to each other. For me, this means, two immediate things, one, embracing in love all of my classmates, no matter how different we are and two, understanding that “it is possible that God loves the things in us that we don't like”(class notes). Both of these ideas do require patience, tenderness and the leading of the Holy Spirit and they are not always easy to do
Theological Beliefs Challenged
How we do and be effective Christ centered ministry, has been the question on my mind these past five weeks. I know how to do and be effective in my urban ministry, but this grittier world I am being exposed to, is challenging me to see if I have a healthy theological paradigm.
The idea of us being “living texts” is very fascinating to me, and when I review my journal from our first class, and our trip to Regent Park, I see how thrilling people really are to me. The question, and perhaps even some answers, to the question, “who is other”, I find very engrossing. How God sees people and how I see people, has been the pastoral journey I have been on this year, so the question of “other” is forefront. I suspect my journey in this class has been planned precisely by our Heavenly Father. This particular reflection came to a head, when dealing with the journal question, “what connections between our stories do you make with the experience last week at Regent Park?” The answer, and what I wrote in my journal is simply, “we are not so different – we all struggle, but I think some of us, are in healthier situations.”
I went on the tour with Reverend Andrew Allen, he is a Baptist. His being a Baptist Pastor was important to me, for I automatically trusted him. However, as our tour went on, I sensed a great gulf between his ideas about ministry and mine. Andrew is respected in our denomination, and I share this respect as well, but I was outraged at his seemingly agreement with how the redevelopment of Regent Park should not “have swings, (in a park) for fear people will kill themselves” and “there will be no balconies on the new apartment buildings, since the mentality is, poor people are more depressed, hence more suicidal”. This, I found very upsetting. I believe I found this upsetting because I am financially very poor, and in no way am I suicidal, and I have dearly loved the two “balconies” that I have had, while living in apartments. I also found the attitude, that “something is terribly wrong if one lives in an apartment and/or low income housing”, insulting. I grew up in an apartment building, and yes, at times, if a strange man was coming towards me in the “hallway”, I felt nervous, but this is no reason to do away with apartments. I do not know what the answer is, except that I find apartment dwelling an acceptable place to live, even if there are people “having sex in the stairwell”.
One of the very interesting things, that Reverend Michael Blair, Executive Director of Toronto Christian Resource Centre (another fellow Baptist minister), said when he visited our class, “people at Regent Park, don't look for validation from us”. I thought this to be an important comment, as it caused me, to ask myself, 'when I am doing ministry, am I seeking some type of validation?' I need to seriously reflect on this because I think there have been times when I see my work as a form for me to “do good” and that makes me “feel proud”, but it is utterly that kind of pride that Jesus warns us about.
There are many things about Michael's time with us that troubled me, he seemed to imply that there is something wrong with making minimum wage, and he used McDonald's as an example of a bad place to work in. I discussed this with him, after class, and he clarified for me, that the point he was trying to make was that “the people in Regent Park, have few if any choices, they are forced into most situations”. A light bulb went off in my head, when he said this, and I understood, the sadness and potential harm of what not having alternative choices, makes! However, when I reviewed my notes, Michael said, “only 25% of people in Regent Park use the social services offered, and only 50% of people are employed”. The most natural question arising, is why?
At the end of these few weeks of classes and after the field trip, I was left theologically dumbfounded and exhausted. I don't seem to know anything, how to help or how to be. The problems, lack of choices, cleanliness, poverty and all the interfaith dialog that was going on was simply too much for me and I have asked more than once what am I doing here, what are we doing wrong and where is Jesus? The only thing I am holding on to and it happens to be an answer to one of the questions I asked Andrew, is all tied up in a little word, that speaks to the heart of my theological beliefs. That word is HOPE! Hope for our future resurrection and hope in the return of our King, Jesus.
Who is in the Kingdom?
Prostitutes, homosexuals, fornicators, immigrants who live off hard working Canadians and atheists are not people I was taught would be living in the Kingdom of God, I was taught, and sometimes still hold the belief that if I just grew up to be a kind, God-fearing young lady, a good “Baptist” who memorized scripture, learn to play the piano, and be obedient to my parents wishes, I would get into the “Kingdom”. In this paradigm I was not to play with Catholics or Blacks. I was to get baptized at a young age, never smoke, drink alcohol or dance and I was never, never to ask questions. If you can imagine, our home was right out of a Women’s Day magazine, in which you would find the King James Version of the Bible on the coffee table, and a Scofield Bible on the book shelf. Our magazine rack held such classics as “Moody Press”, “Christian Herald” and the “Fellowship Baptist Magazine”. I was only allowed to read Trixie Beldin, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys and my favorite The Bobbsy Twins. We read anything written by Billy Graham, and T.T. Shields. Our record albums were by the “Moody Chorale”, “George Beverley Shea” and the “Gaithers”. “Sandi Patti” and “Amy Grant” (gospel material) were also approved for my listening. My family did not attend the cinema and theater was taboo. We did have a television and shows such as “Leave it to Beaver”, “Mickey Mouse Club”, “Flintstones” and “Gilligan’s Island” were acceptable for watching. I was never to watch soap operas, any “Liberal” news or listen to CBC radio. My brothers and I attended “Pioneer Girls” and “Boys’ Brigade”. My church had classes on sewing and cooking for the girls and choir and “learn how to be an usher” for the boys. I remember once, my mother, telling my older brother, to “make sure you laugh at the Pastor’s jokes”. All in all, life was bliss, my Father had a fantastic job, which enabled my mother to be at home, and we traveled as the perfect family all over the world, spreading our peace and joy. We knew whom to socialize with, what to spend our money on and had the perfect recipe for a perfect life. My heritage sincerely taught me that one day, if I accepted the Lord Jesus into my heart, I would be “raptured” and saved from Hell. I was taught that I could not partake in Communion until I was Baptized and that only then was I a true member of the church community. I was to memorize hymns like that of “Blessed Assurance”, “Victory in Jesus”, “The Church’s one Foundation”, “Because He Lives”, “Amazing Grace” “Holy, Holy, Holy” et cetera. These songs were the cornerstones of our faith. I was never to “backslide” and if I did then I was to “rededicate” my life to Jesus as soon as possible and then begin my “under conviction” lifestyle again. As a young women I was to understand what my father, pastor and or husband said, about the Antichrist, last days, millennium and tribulation. I was to know that the Bible was God’s Holy Word, inspired, infallible and inerrant. I was to be prepared to carry my own large cross. We knew we were “saved” because we had accepted Jesus, got baptized, read devotions, believed in the Holy Bible and witnessed appropriately, attending prayer groups and were good stewards. When the roll would be called up yonder, we would be at the top of the theological list, and we would be in the Kingdom. Now do you understand where I am coming from? Now do you see why this class and my time at T.S.T. has been so stretching? I am taking classes with people who are Gay and want to be pastors and married to someone of the same sex. Can you feel the scream of ahhhhhh building? At any rate, I have rejected most of the above, which is why my time here has been so meaningful and the truth is, the Gospel story is about the fact that God loves all, died for all, and had at the original time of creation a desire for all to be with him. This is the core of what I believe. Furthermore, I have come to realize, it is none of my business who God allows into his Kingdom and all the dos and don't s of my childhood mean virtually nothing-there is a freedom in Jesus that my heritage sadly has missed.
In the article about the Right to Beg, (class handout) the question is asked, “is it ethical to give to beggars?” This question helped me to understand the concerns I had, with “contributing to alcohol abuse, drug addiction and cigarette smoking”. I too, feel torn as the article suggests, “between feelings of sympathy and guilt”. I do however, strongly disagree with the articles solution, in which the solution “isn't individual charity, it's social justice”. For me, the answer is found in the transforming power of the Gospel message. I firmly believe in the scripture teaching that “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9). What I have come to learn is that indeed all prostitutes, homosexuals, fornicators, immigrants who live off hard working Canadians, atheists and little girls who are becoming Baptist ministers can come to a point where they declare Jesus as King. I believe, along with John Calvin, that “the church is a lacerated people” and I am thankful for that!
Fearful Conclusion
One of the greatest things about this class, has been the reminder that I love cross cultural experiences. Although, there has been a grittiness that has at times been upsetting for me, I wish to remain in an urban ministry context, as a pastor. I do have continual fears about “hard core”- Urban ministry and this is where the Global City article was helpful for me. Roland Kawano reminded me that Jesus himself worked in small contexts. On page 132 he writes,
[Jesus]... seems to have been content to teach and heal within his own small ethnic culture. He gathered around himself, a small group, to whom he gave much of his efforts, he depended on them completely... commits himself to living and dying among a small body of people. He grew up there, serving in his fathers carpenter shop. He did not travel long distances on speaking assignments.
This may very well be the answer to the question, that Kawano asks, “why can't we all come together into one integrated church?” (138,139) I think Jesus has answered that question for us, when it comes to being and doing ministry, we should keep things small, tender and intimate. We should perhaps build the church, one relationship at a time, we should perhaps, be small groups of love.
Today, I believe it is not only possible, but true that we have a global church of one body belonging to Christ and this body exists in the beautiful ethnic differences that can be found in our city.
Christians today are the new “Diaspora” and as our Hebrew family members of the ancient past, rethought their identity in the God of their tradition, we too are often aliens and surrounded by aliens in a strange land. Kawano, is correct when he says, “when we consider the universal phenomenon of hostility to the alien, we recognize that hospitality to the stranger seems to be a new teaching which comes out of special revelation”[37]. Furthermore, Kawano sums up exactly where my heart is being tugged, presently. He offers, “We may preach and teach the idea of hospitality to one another, to our whole clan, tribe or culture. But the real testing of the ideal is not with our familiars with our own tribe, but with the unfamiliar with the alien, the suspect, outsider” (37).
I am an alien, being a Christian in a world where Christendom seems dead. I am an alien while attending classes at Emmanuel, for I am a conservative Baptist, whom is very different from her classmates. Although, I am often uneasy, scared, frustrated, suffering from feelings of inadequacies and perhaps even somewhat marginalized, I know that I am in the exact place God has called me to be and I am happy to be there.
I still do not feel called to “hard-core” Urban ministry, and that is mostly because I am scared. Ministry is scary and dangerous and uncomfortable, but I am also willing to go and be the women God has called me to be. If I am to be really honest too, then I would admit that I am scared of failing. I like to do things well and systematic and with purpose, but people I'm afraid, are often not like that and nor should they be and nor should we treat people as a systematic anything.
Finally, all I know is that I remain a city girl who is, now exploring the grittier side of her beloved Toronto, that she was often unwisely shielded from. And in conclusion, I was reminded in our last class, that I do truly believe the “great treasure” of the church is all the people, for example “Saint Leonard was executed for” (Guest speaker comment) and whom Jesus willingly died for. My prayer, as I continue to learn from this class, is that I be humble in my seeking, gentle with my tongue and open to the leading of His Spirit.
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