When You Are Scared

This week has been difficult and I am scared. This has been a peek and valley week and they simply exhaust me. This has been a week of good byes.
As I type I wipe away some falling tears and my thoughts are on, what condition is my faith in?
I have cried out to the Lord, many times this week, sometimes in a fit of anger and other times as a scared child. My inner being has been through much.
I had three situations arise where my sense of calling was challenged, my sense of being faithful was put under a microscope and my acknowledgment of where I belong was questioned. In these times I walked away feeling very small, unloved, judged and lonely. In each situation, I asked God to explain what was happening, and to help me to respond lovingly and to shake off any of the encounter that was not of Him. He, however was silent. And I struggled through Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday feeling out of sorts, angry and frightened.
Another encounter happened, that shocked me and I sat on my couch and cried. I called my pastor and emailed my two best friends-they all called and I explained something had happened which was very hurtful and upsetting. I cried some more on the couch and asked God to please give me some direction of what to do with all of this hurt and confusion this week. God remained silent and I was scared, right down to my core.
Now, I have enough wonderful experience to know that God will speak, again. I, just, am not always patient waiting for Them and I have been reminded this week of Psalm 46 where it says "Be still and know that I am God" and I also heard Jesus say, "I am here" and I could almost feel him rubbing my back. God has been present, just quiet.
I headed out to foot-washing, miserable, afraid and feeling worthless.

Then, God spoke, and it was loud.

He spoke through a person, who asked me to do something for the Out of the Cold Guests- and in this very simple act I was once again energized (to steal a phrase from John Torrance) and felt life surge back into me. In fact the whole night of serving was exactly what I needed to refresh my call, strengthen my stance of who I am in Jesus and a clear reminder that my self-worth only is found in God. I do not need anything or anyone except God. The Holy Spirit was flowing Wednesday night with grace and love and I was reminded of Peter
Holmes' sermon, from last Sunday, where he talked about "stirring up the gift".
That was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to remember all that God has done in and through me. All of the pain and fear of the day and the week flowed out of me and into the arms of friends and strangers who held me captive by their love and Grace. It was a humbling night and I was renewed, but to be honest a little fear lingered.
The next day was also difficult and of course I had not slept the night before so it could have been more about being tired. Nonetheless, I spent the day down at campus tying up lose ends, having a lunch date and spending my last night with Adele before she goes to Africa. What does this got to do with anything? Well just because I was energized does not mean the problems of the week were solved and I had some lingering feelings of fear and thoughts on how to respond. Just then, I picked up my final paper from Dr. Wyatt and it was full of comments about my "enthusiasm and energy, quick mind and beautiful spirit all prepared to serve in professional ministry". Her comments seized my soul and I sat on a bench and cried-Jesus sat beside me laughing, His gentle laugh and He said, "See, you know who you are and to whom you belong-you know what I have called you to do and you are affirmed in deep ways. Take the lessons from last night and today and carry on-trust my plans for you are good"
The fear has subsided a little and I am recalling how God did speak this week in the midst of my stormy life and how gentle and good He is. He is my fortress and my refuge a very present help in trouble. If only I can remember this today!