Three days to go, Seminary count down

I almost want to skip classes today, as I am swamped with final papers. I look at my calender and simply do not know how I will get them all done. But God will sustain me through this last stretch of the road and He will sustain me for the future-I just have to let him.

Last week when I returned from my visit at the C.C.C., there was an email from Adele about having "eaten two chocolate bars". This, usually is code for Help! And it was, we have tried to have conversations about our immediate future and one of us usually ends up crying. She is feeling as sad as I am, when we think about what church and where God is potentially sending me.
Anticipatory grief, right now, is very present in my life.
But as the count down for me slowly concludes, one may be starting for Adele. She just found out, today, that she might (a big might) be going to South Africa for the beginning of the New Year, until April. This is great news and it might be the answer to my prayers, "that she find peace" in our parting. God, does sustain us!
Count downs end and count ups begin-for this I am thankful for.
As for now, it's oft to finish count down day four
pamela

Goodbye Seminary Count Down

Tonight at 5PM I walked out of Emmanuel College, one of the Toronto School of Theology Seminaries, where I have been studying for nearly three years. I walked out for the last time. The count down has begun as I finished the first of five remaining days at Seminary.
By the time I got home I was in tears. Tears of exhaustion and joy. Tears of fear and of accomplishment. I have done well at school and know there is a future in either a PhD or a DMin, just not right away. I feel very sad. I simply will not know what to do with myself on December 6th!
So where is my life heading? For the past six years, I have been on a path to becoming a pastor and it looks like I am almost there-just in time to want to run as far away as possible.
I simply am too much of a goof ball to really be a pastor, but then, when I think of doing something else I know I simply couldn't. Every ounce of my being wants to serve in God's Kingdom in a congregational setting-so now I just need to trust that this "calling" I received when I was so little, this calling that has been formed and shaped by the Holy Spirit is ready to take flight.
Day one count down is complete and I only have used half a box of kleenex, pretty good for me. But we still have to get through next week.

Just fess up and admit your'e loved!

I love people. I love their stories, their goofiness, their sorrows and their joys. I think people are the greatest things. Everyday I give thanks to God for having made humanity and for the relationship He constantly calls us into, with Him.
I am very thankful for the way He "gives" or "sends" me people, to laugh with, care for, cry with, mentor and "be" with. This is a privileged, responsibility that I take very seriously.
But sometimes I really fail when it comes to letting people love ME. Do I feel that I am not worthy of their love? Have I been too disappointed by people to trust them? Am I so filled with grief that I simply don't want the heart ache of saying goodbye when our season is over together? Am I scared of just how big this role of being a pastor is?
I am sure all of the questions above have a partly, yes, answer to them. But I think the real problem is a control issue. You see when I am doing and being the stuff I do, and be with people, I am the one in control. I set the boundaries.
Lately though, I have been in situations where I have been way out of control, way out of my comfort zone. When I allow myself a relaxing moment (which can take a while) I discover that I am usually being greatly loved.
This past week at the very special request from a very special professor, I attended a lunch. I brought my own Pastor with me too, for he knew some old friends that were going to be there as well. Long story short, we had a very good time. But something happened half way through-I discerned that I was being really loved, cared for and dare say respected. I saw my professor beaming at me and became aware of how many people he was introducing me to. He simply, in a beautiful Christian way, loved me. He was sharing his mentors and friends and colleagues with me. What a blessed new pastor, I am!
On the drive home, my pastor asked me, "what did you see, today". I gave him a truthful answer, but left all of the above part out. To be honest, in the back of my head, all day, I kept asking why. Why does this really great professor and expert in his field want me here? There must be some cosmic error happening, why me? That's when I realized I was committing idolatry. I had taken my eyes off of the Kingdom of God and placed them on me. This is a dangerous and foolish thing to do.
Then is dawned on me, I never ask why God gives me people to love and play with. I simply say thank you for the great privilege and this is what I needed to do this week. I needed to let others fulfil their calling in being with me and to receive their love. That is what true worship is, God's children; playing, working, serving, resting and seeking him all together. I was so blessed on that special day and very thankful. I was indeed loved, in more ways than one. So, I just fess up, right now, and admit how good it is to be loved and at times it is even better than doing the loving!!
Thanks to Richard, Fred and John for a great day in the Kingdom-You are all wonderful Pastors!

What does it mean to be a failure?

I finally did it, I dropped out of my thesis program. After months of struggle, stalled conversations, unhelpful comments and a life of chaos I finally listened to what the Lord has been saying.
For two years now, God has been telling me to, "Stop being do driven academically. I do not want you to be an expert preacher Pamela, I want you to be an expert in me".
It has been a difficult road coming to this decision (probably didn't need to be if I had just listened) and really I think the question for today should be how do I define success, not what does it mean to be a failure?
My all to fallen human side is screaming you failed, you are dumb. But myself which is in Jesus, gently reminds me that success is not defined in degrees, prestige, human ideas about beauty, financial wealth or things. Rather, true success is found in the deep: peace, goodness, gentleness, love, perseverance, joy, patience, faithfulness, and self control. These of course are the "fruit" one bears and receives, from others in Christ Jesus and I should be practising them so much more and accepting them from others
For the next few weeks I will have to live with the implications of dropping out of my program and that in itself is difficult, there are many.
Hopefully, the voice in my head (which is quite loud, today) will be dimmed, when I intentionally focus on God's ideas of success. But it really boils down to a matter of doing it....
The picture I choose for this entry, is one I took from Adele's car when we were at Lake Luther, in the summer. It represents the journey I am on with God. His path is straight, clean and beautiful. There is evidence of Him going before me. But it remains blurry because I often begin to take my eyes off of Him and then I get lost. So this week I will begin to care for myself by trusting that real success is found in Him, only. So, what does it mean to be a failure? Well, simply put, in Jesus I am NOT!

Trusting, is Hard Today

As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the Lord is proved;
He is a shield to all those who trust in Him.
(Psalm 18:30)

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
(Psalm 18:2)

I woke up this morning, like I did yesterday, afraid, wild in my heart and not at all peaceful. It took several hours for me to calm down and really lean into God's embrace. I am a petty child and fickle too. I have no idea why God (them) still loves me so much. But they do and I am thankful and so today as I head off to school I am leaning on the above verses and of course Psalm 46 which is my favourite.
I wish the world His peace today, no matter what happens
Pamela

I am impatient

Today, I have been fretting. I hate it when I have to wait to "hear" from people. I hate having to wait for another person's schedule to be figured out so I can get on with my life. I hate it.
Now, it sounds like I am having a temper tantrum and to be honest I probably am. All day long I have heard God say, "Stop, I am doing something. Let me work this out for. Stop" Do you think I would listen? No of course not, instead I have sent emails, made phone calls and tried to hurry everyone along. When will I learn?
Part of my impatience, at the moment, is because I have to make some decisions and they are difficult ones, with far reaching implications and I want to make sure I make the healthiest choices. However, others are involved and I need to wait for them. I need more of God's patience!
In Galatians chapter 5 we have what is called the Fruit of the Spirit, they are spiritual gifts and patience is one of them. But I was not given this spiritual gift in abundance, I seem doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Help!!
Have you ever noticed that patient people have a real peace? Patient people don't get into the kind of trouble I do.
Have you ever thought about how long it takes to make maple syrup? It takes a long time and I find reflecting on the process of making syrup helpful for it demonstrates that, "good things come to those who wait". Just think, with maple syrup you have to find the tree, drill it, tap it, collect it, boil the sap, filter it and then can it. This process can take days and what do you have at the end? A beautiful sweet taste of nature.
I know I have not been listening to God lately. I complain that people can't hear me when I am screaming. And I do hear Him-
Father forgive me for wanting to skip steps, forgive me for not waiting for others and discerning what you are doing in their lives. Help me to see it is not all about me, but your other kids too. Slow me down Father in a gentle way. Thanks for the blessings and the sweet things of life. Help me to appreciate all that goes into refining and making your kids come closer to you
Pamela

Receiving Grace, trusting others

I love people. I love their stories,ideas,sorrow and their hopes. I love people. I can tell you a million reasons why people intrigue me and bring me joy, but I can't tell you why I think people love me. I have deep trouble receiving grace. We find in In 2 Peter at chapter 3:18 this encouragement "But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ". How should we respond to the grace of God? We are to be merciful, even as God is full of mercy (Luke 6:36). We are to forgive others, just as we have been forgiven. We are to serve others, just as we have been served. We are to be gracious toward others, giving them favor and kindness. Our words are to be full of grace (Colossians 4:6). It’s supposed to make a difference in our lives and in our priorities.
So what's wrong with me? Probably a trust issue.
sometimes I see myself as this, "When others let us down, it’s normal not only to feel hurt but also to think that our destiny has somehow been thwarted. We fear we’ve been cheated out of benefits that rightfully should be ours. It’s the rare moment of faith when we consider that God may see things differently"
More importantly, the Bible never promises that God will shield us from all possibility of others disappointing us, even if we’re walking in his will. Nor does it suggest that God should be expected to override someone else’s free will and cause a quick change in the way that person treats us, simply because we’ve prayed. And it isn’t to say that we should never express disappointment or anger to someone else. There are times when confronting someone is necessary both for our emotional health and for their growth as well. The bottom line is that God is not our adversary but our friend and so is the same for others in Christ. God, has given us a promise, found in Romans 8:28: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” And to make the point even more emphatically, Paul reiterates it three verses later: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom 8:31). The friendship of Christ is the overriding factor that touches every relationship and encounter of life.

I need to remember this. And this week I have a few situations coming up where I need to put my faith in God and others into practice
Blessings,
pamela